You know you belong to Suds Ski Club if:

This is an oldy, but a goody that I dug out today!

Your wife asks you to pick up a canned ham, and you show up with a case of Hamm's in cans.

The arresting officer tells you that you have the right to remain silent and you waive that right so you can finish singing Hello, It's Me

You know how to say "Where are my pants?" in seven languages.

You have so much alcohol in your system that your cabbie has to be HazMat certified.

If a wino jumped off a building, you'd bravely leap forward to break the fall of his bottle.

You install shag carpet because it's easier to hang on to.

Your last Breathalyzer reading was "No F***ing Way."

You drew up a living will that states very clearly that you do not want the booze tube removed under any circumstances.

Your friends often substitute "Good night" with "Hey, you can't sleep here."

Your favorite drinking game is Do A Shot Every Time You Do A Shot.

Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six-pack and a pizza.

TV beer ads have started addressing you by name.

You brush your teeth with bourbon. It hasn't helped cut down on cavities, but who cares?

You know heavy drinking makes you smarter because you can never remember doing anything stupid during Millard Fillmore.

You've never been to Afghanistan or Pakistan, but you're a frequent visitor to Imtoodrunktostan.

You become sexually aroused by the tapping of a keg.

You know you can use Jagermeister as cough syrup. And visa versa.

You have a sweet tooth for alcohol—in fact, your whole mouth likes it.

Whenever you bend your elbow your mouth snaps open.

You're half scotch, and your ancestors aren't from Scotland .

You hate the very sight of liquor, which is why you hide it in your stomach.

Anyone who kisses you must legally wait half an hour to drive.

You've filed assault charges against a trash can.

When you're out in the street, you are literally "out" in the street.

You think of drinking beer as "sobering up,"

You can say "Whiskey, please" in 34 languages, but can't understand "Last call" in English.

You enjoy cooking with wine, and sometimes you even put it in the food.

You keep a bottle of liquor next to your bed so you can have breakfast in bed when you wake up.

You measure time by drinks, as in: "Hold on a shot, the movie doesn't start for another four bourbons."

You always finish your drinks because there are sober people in third world countries.

You got in trouble at work because your standard greeting is, "Hey, let's do a shot!"

You can hear someone whisper "free beer" from three blocks away.

You consider a bottle of cheap whiskey and two shot glasses a very romantic gift.

You show up to brewery tours wearing fins and a snorkel.

You play the same song 20 times in a row at top volume at three in the morning and are certain the neighbors don't mind because, you know, it's such a kick-ass song.